Life isn't shining as bright as it use to. I don't know why but my heart's still broken too, It's an on and off thing I can't really take anymore. I wonder a lot of the time, when will i ever feel what true love really is, or have an actual relationship where the other half actually has REAL feelings towards me and isn't using me or bullshitting me in any way while I have real feelings for them too. I don't need a lover or anything, I'm just wondering though, how come i never had anything real? The most real thing I ever had going with a guy hurt me a thousand times during this whole year. I miss him though. I kinda wish we were still homies. But whatever shit happens. I've learned to let it go.
My life's pretty much going through shit right now. I dislike my real "family". My friends are more like a family to me, always there for me, taking care of me, and worrying. I owe them my life. After everything i've been through or done the past 12 days I've been kicked out of the house...shit I don't think I can go through all that anymore. I don't know how many times i've cried but fucking shit I hate guys right now too, I honestly can't trust any of them. I fucking hate people who go to fast. I fucking hate being touched in the worst ways by a guy I don't even LOVE or have feelings for. I hate it to the point where I might go lesbiian. :| I'm basically tired of my life. I remember back in the days when everything seemed so much happier and less corrupted. I remember when I could actually trust people and when I saw good in everyone. And those days just ended a few weeks ago. Fuuck, it wasn't even that long ago when everything seemed to be going so well in life, where i didn't see much shit in it. I really hate my new place too even though I havent been home :| I don't even consider it a home cause of the fact I can't even fall asleep easily. Not comfy. I fucking fall asleep better in Sandra's closet then my own room. Hahah I lvoe her <3 I fucking hate my new school too. I don't know why, but i'm becoming a real hateful person. Fuck.
I miss how everything was summer and before. Even though there were the heartbreaks, they were nothing compared to everything that's happening now. School, family, my whole fucking life is down the drains. life just isn't shining as bright as it use to. But i guess i still have though little rays of sun shining it's way through. I'm really thankful for those little rays too (: <33
I Thank EVERYONE who's taken care of me while ive been through all thise piece of shit tho. Sandra, True Boy, Jessica, Andrew, Jonah, Brian, Jay, and all my rides lmfao. <3
Im going back to that piece of shit house tomorrow. :| aunt's taking me back, I dont miss home, i just wanna get away from trouble and fucking get my ass back into school.
Man, I haven't been home in 2 days, it feels pretty good. Haha, pretty fun adventures these past days though. Caught a kitty with Sandra. (: Hella cute. And almost got kidnapped in ktown by this crazy ass lady in pink and a buncha bags o__o she wanted to take us to her "gorvernment friend" who wanted to meet pretty girls. LMFAO THAT SHIT WAS SCARY. What to do, what to do. My parents don't see me as their kid anymore. I guess I fuck up a lot, but idk. Life's pretty good at this point except for the whole moving thing. We're almost done packing. Pretty sad. :\ Ugh. When I move, I'm not gonna see any cute guys anymore. :| Or atleast the TYPE of guys I like. Imma miss ktown guys ); Shitt. And I HATE pretty boys too. :| bad experiences.
Oh wells, imma visit every week so i guess its not that different. Imma miss the bus tho. D: So easy to get around since it was just down the street.
I'm really sad right now. You have no idea. Just as my life's getting back together from all this stuff that's been happenening, I'm moving. I'm so glad Casie's gonna be there though. It might not be all of CaTemEmily, but it's still good to have even one close friend.. it's like all of 'em put together. I really wonder what it's gonna be like... I dont plan on making any new friends, of course I know I'll end up making new friends but I don't wanna get close. Not my thing. No more boyfriends or hook ups either. I'm really tired of it...
Like the other day this guy who took me home cause i was really out of it and was too scared to take the bus home from ktown.. woww. He had the nerve to touch me. I told him to stop it a million times but i guess he didnt take me seriously. I couldnt really bitch at him you know? I would've but i couldn't cause he took me home but damn... I felt wrong. He tried too hard to hit on me. But i guess it wasn't as bad as last weekend's alcoholic guy. I really hate guys right now. 8 months of crying, pain, and heartaches that repeated over and over again. My whole image of him shattered. Just another flirt. I guess it was good experience though right? But after everything, i think i know one of the reason's i was so in love with him, was cause everytime i was with him or talked to him [even though we fought A LOT] ...I felt so safe. Away from all the troubles and bad things... but that's done with. I know I'm still young and more people come a long. [well they've been coming but i always make the WRONNNNG decisions and sometimes it's just the WROOONG people. Seriously.]
I'm going to miss Sandra a lot too. I know i'll be able to visit her but it wont be the same seeing her every week and all our adventures. She's really my better half, she makes me better. ♥ Well nothing's gonna stop me from seeing her so i guess that's okay =]
Lmfao. Well , i've just started to notice, every weekend some type of bulsshit happens. Ahaha, a few days ago me n' my like 8th or whatever boyfriend juss broke up. Funny shit how it happened. I still wanna kno who told that faggot im a player tho. Anyways after that, some alcoholic asshole tried to get at me . Yeah, no fun. I know guys like to have their fun and games, but they took it too far. It was gross and especially with bad kissers. I know bad kissers at lips first touch foo . At the same time, it was kinda funny tho. Seriously. Im hella tired of guys trying to get at me. It's not even funny anymore. He fkn locked me in a room and wouldnt let me out. You know how scared i was? Thank god my cousins were there. If it were just me and his friends, ionno what woulda happened. He's hella strong. I laugh when i talk about it in real life, but deep down, it was horrible.
Quick Tip:
NEVER EVER FORCE A KISS
Well I guess that's that. I miss everything before school started again. I want summer to happen all over again haha. Im so ashamed to say I was ever in love with my ex ex ex. Seriously like...It's kinda fucked up. Everything i went through and i guess all the weird shit i put him though afterwards too...nott worth it for either of us but i enjoyed every moment of the happiness. He was my funnest. No matter how fake/stupid it was it was nice. Though he shattered my whole imgae of him and said so many things that brought up my hopes big time. That whole him talking to that one girl i know was just too plain wierd for me :| it hit my like a damn monkey throwing a banana. I didnt see that shit coming. Whatevers though.
i get checked by cops, thot i was gnna get arrested, cried like a baby, did shit to hurt people on accident, DID REALLY BAD THINGS. mann, but like i met cool ppl <3 n too many summer hookups =/ very bad, i didnt want it but it happened but whatever. and i had to go to china =.=
ehh but whatever.
im pretty tired of shit now. i dont wanna move either. i like my classes in school right now tho. i didnt know i passed most of them. the only class i failed was chem so i guess its ok. lmfao i have art now too =/ i hate it like a bitch.
